Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Teeter-Tottering is only Fun when you're a Kid

The scale is teetering between 124.5 and 126. So annoying.

The weekend was unproductive. Long "holiday" weekend (I'm mean I'll take it! But "Labor Day"? What the hell kind of psuedo holiday is that? God Bless America and our days off for the purpose of days off.)

I got very little homework done.
I have to do a 3-5 page essay for sociology but oh wait, here's the kicker, I have to do a social experiment where I break a social norm and y'know essay about it. In theory it's fun but I'm so freakin shy! Is there some kind of Judgedaphobia? Cuz I have it. I hate being judged, being a wallflower is just way too natural for me, my security blanket. But really I'd rather being a painting, y'know absolutely stunning and admired. Perhaps once I'm skinny (You hear that universe?! WHEN I AM SKINNY! Bring it to me baby!) this Judgedaphobia will cease to exist for me? Not likely. I'm living in a dream world.

Also, I have to write a biography which is like the hardest thing ever to me. What the hell am I gonna write about? Hello, I'm boring?! I wrote about Lupus (thus far, it's due tomorrow) but it's just so...I don't know, I guess I just don't like writing about myself NON-anonymously (obvy I'm a totally narcissist-I do have a blog!). 

So yeah. Hard. Unproductive. Sux.

I need to exercise.
I need to get my head out of my...head(?) and start getting shit done! Homework. Do it!

Being shy sucks.
Just sayin'.

What the hell is wrong with me that I can't make friends? Am I like smelly or something and people don't want to talk to me? Am I just too ugly and fat? Is it that obvious that I'm a little...err...weird? Am I that weird?

Perhaps that is why this whole Biography thing is so hard, I can't see myself. I don't really see the positive aspect of me. I feel like I always say the wrong thing. I'm boring. I'm not worth people's time. I just don't fit in. I'm on the line. I'm the in between. The outcasts don't want me. The cool kids don't want me. I'm just there.

Maybe? I dunno.

I look in the mirror sometimes and think I am really pretty. Sometimes when I'm with my friends I feel like I'm a pretty cool girl. Sometimes when I think that I'm pretty smart. Pretty funny (in a sarcastic way, of course). Sometimes I feel like I'm a totally likable girl but then...I feel like nobody truly likes me. Or am I just inadvertently pushing people away? Do they look in my eyes and see an eery vacancy that scares them off?

Hate this.

My birthday is on Friday and I hate it. It's a day to remind me how pathetic I am. No friends. Not particularly successful (y'know like the movies where they devote all their time to school/work and have no social life?). Not skinny. Not beautiful (only to TheElectrician which makes me curious about his eyesight and question his overall sanity for wanting to hangout with me).

Life sucks but for some reason I just keep wanting to live it, I've always had this weird feeling that it will get better. It will one day be wonderful beyond anything I ever imagined. 
-Whoa! Okay, that does it I'm officially insane.


  1. i cried myself to sleep the night before my birthday and the night after birthdays suck

    electriacian does not need his sanity tested stop being so hard on your self

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  4. Haha. I love how it's called LABOR day, but no one works. I've always found that funny.
    Aww i used to be super-shy too. Then i got a job and was forced to be more out-going there and it just kinda carried over into the rest of my life. Hopefully you'll be able to break free of your phobia. (I used to have it... but then i said "fuck you world, i don't care what you think" and started dressing punk. It's quite fun, really.)
    I've felt likable but unliked before too... Actually, i feel that way all the time. So you're not alone in that. Dunno if that helps or not, but i hope so.
    I'm sure everything WILL get better, and that's not just your insanity. Just keep looking for that better part.

    p.s. sorry i wrote a freakin' novel as a comment. Lol.

  5. blah, i suck at making new friends as well. I went through a whole year of university without making any new friends and this year is looking like it may just turn out the exact same.

    its not that I am shy, i just dont like to put myself out. i wont go looking for a stranger to talk to, people have to come to me

  6. Some people are just lost souls.

    Feel better :) And keep writing, you have such talent. I can relate to a lot of your words. They show me that I am not completely alone in my "crazy" thoughts, and neither are you.

    Stay strong! Peace <3

  7. I'm with you. Depressed and messy all the time, but ultimately optimistic. I feel like everything is shit now, but genuinely believe that one day my life will be fantastic. I want to live forever and figure it all out :)



  8. Hey, sweets. My b-day is Saturday.

    I'm traveling solo in Italy right now because a) I like doing whatever whenever, skipping meals as I wish, indulging my ED and not worrying about it, b) don't know anyone that would want to do/go where all I'd like to venture to. So, I'm enjoying the solo venture...but it can be lonely if you focus on that. On the other hand, there's millions of people in the world. Just because you don't feel you can connect to anyone around you on a daily basis does not mean you can't connect to others. In a different time or place, you would find different results, I'm sure. Keep your head up and keep focused on your assets. You ARE beautiful, you ARE smart, you ARE motivated. Find examples of women (celebrities, magazine photos, movies, books) that you aspire to and post their pics near your bed or in a journal. Focus on being those characters. Where you are now in life will not be forever. This, too, shall pass. And there's SO MUCH more out there!! That's one thing I'm learning as I travel. Don't settle for the misery you see in your life right now. It's only temporary.


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