Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Teeter-Tottering is only Fun when you're a Kid
The scale is teetering between 124.5 and 126. So annoying.
The weekend was unproductive. Long "holiday" weekend (I'm mean I'll take it! But "Labor Day"? What the hell kind of psuedo holiday is that? God Bless America and our days off for the purpose of days off.)
I got very little homework done.
I have to do a 3-5 page essay for sociology but oh wait, here's the kicker, I have to do a social experiment where I break a social norm and y'know essay about it. In theory it's fun but I'm so freakin shy! Is there some kind of Judgedaphobia? Cuz I have it. I hate being judged, being a wallflower is just way too natural for me, my security blanket. But really I'd rather being a painting, y'know absolutely stunning and admired. Perhaps once I'm skinny (You hear that universe?! WHEN I AM SKINNY! Bring it to me baby!) this Judgedaphobia will cease to exist for me? Not likely. I'm living in a dream world.
Also, I have to write a biography which is like the hardest thing ever to me. What the hell am I gonna write about? Hello, I'm boring?! I wrote about Lupus (thus far, it's due tomorrow) but it's just so...I don't know, I guess I just don't like writing about myself NON-anonymously (obvy I'm a totally narcissist-I do have a blog!).
So yeah. Hard. Unproductive. Sux.
I need to exercise.
I need to get my head out of my...head(?) and start getting shit done! Homework. Do it!
Being shy sucks.
What the hell is wrong with me that I can't make friends? Am I like smelly or something and people don't want to talk to me? Am I just too ugly and fat? Is it that obvious that I'm a little...err...weird? Am I that weird?
Perhaps that is why this whole Biography thing is so hard, I can't see myself. I don't really see the positive aspect of me. I feel like I always say the wrong thing. I'm boring. I'm not worth people's time. I just don't fit in. I'm on the line. I'm the in between. The outcasts don't want me. The cool kids don't want me. I'm just there.
Maybe? I dunno.
I look in the mirror sometimes and think I am really pretty. Sometimes when I'm with my friends I feel like I'm a pretty cool girl. Sometimes when I think that I'm pretty smart. Pretty funny (in a sarcastic way, of course). Sometimes I feel like I'm a totally likable girl but then...I feel like nobody truly likes me. Or am I just inadvertently pushing people away? Do they look in my eyes and see an eery vacancy that scares them off?
My birthday is on Friday and I hate it. It's a day to remind me how pathetic I am. No friends. Not particularly successful (y'know like the movies where they devote all their time to school/work and have no social life?). Not skinny. Not beautiful (only to TheElectrician which makes me curious about his eyesight and question his overall sanity for wanting to hangout with me).
Life sucks but for some reason I just keep wanting to live it, I've always had this weird feeling that it will get better. It will one day be wonderful beyond anything I ever imagined.
-Whoa! Okay, that does it I'm officially insane.