Bruises By Words are Harder to Heal

Everybody in my family wonders about me, why I have so much hate and
anger built up inside of me. Why I can have a grudge so deep for my
mom and upbringing. Why I bottle up my emotions. Over the past
idunnohowmany years I've recognized and tried to let them go...the
grudges, the hate, the anger.

Everything has been going so well. I get home today and my mom's
eyebrows are high, the corners of her mouth low. I'm baffled. I ask
what's wrong and she unloads. She YELLS at me about leaving my window
open and this is the second time and on and on....and on and on she
YELLS and I just feel smaller and smaller and increasingly worthless
and pathetic with each word she yells. I want to say I'm sorry but I
know my words, my feelings, emotions everything is worthless. She
wants to hear the words (I'm sorry) but only to spit on them and throw
back more angry words.

I said nothing.
I made myself dinner.
She sits at the kitchen table eyes burning my back while trying to
busy myself, tears streaming, trying not to sniffle.

"Don't you have anything to say to me?" She snorts.

"I'm sorry. Of course, I'm sorry!" I'm sobbing now. "But I don't know,
it was an accident. It was an accident. I'm sorry. I just know that
anything I say or feel, any emotion I have is the wrong one. People
wonder why I can say such hurtful things to you, it's this. It's the
way you can yell at me and look at me with such anger and hate in your
eyes. That's why." I spew, choking on every word. I can't even
breathe. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be her daughter.

And her reaction was just as I thought: anger.

She tells me that she doesn't, she couldn't possibly hate me. She
tells me that she only has love for me. She always has love for me.
She's angry and frustrated about a money situation. She doesn't hate
me. She tells me this is why she can never say anything to me because
I always "throw it back in her face" and "turn it around" to make her
feel like shit.

No.

I don't want her to feel like shit anymore than she does me. I know
that. I know she is frustrated at the situation, at my mistake, at
money; I do understand that but she doesn't realize the weight, the
effects of her words. I have 2 options: bottle it up or fire back. I
wasn't trying to hurt her, though I know I did, but it's the way she
makes me feel and it upsets me, angers me that she could do that to
me. That she can make me feel so worthless. She's my mother. I'm her
daughter.

She said I need to "take responsibility" for my actions. She already
told me (yelling) that I had to pay the difference of the bill when it
comes. Is that not taking responsibility? Accepting my penance? It's
not enough, she wanted to hurt me. My mother.

It's so hard. I love her. But she hurts me so much with her words. Who
do you tell? If I tell people it makes her look like the bad guy. It
would make people feel awkward or uncomfortable around her. It would
taint her image. She is loving and all that good stuff but her
anger....her words...they're brutal. And I'm the only one who hears
them. Anger and frustrations are taking out on me and I feel her anger
and frustration in more core and my own worthless, pathetic self along
with it. In my core.

When It Rains, It Pours BUT....

that's just not what's goin' down right naw!

I've been a busy, busy girl these past couple of weeks! Fortunately, I'm not the StressBall today that I was in those weeks. Yes, you've heard me correctly, things are settling and coming into place.

• I got into 4 classes granting me the Full-Time Student status(!) that I'm luvin' because I'm happy and everybody around is super happy that I am! And 3 out of 4 teachers are Amazing!
• I now have Health Insurance (as of Wednesday). My mom has been shopping around for a doctor for me...yea, I'm about to be 24 and she's still doing these things but, I guess, that's just the way the ball bounces when you are an only child.
• Date 3 with TheElectrician and he still seems to like me. (Weird.) I enjoy hanging out with him though, so this is a good thing :)
• I've been coming out of my "hibernation" and making my way back into society. I've been calling and trying to hang out with old friends.
• Speaking of People of the Past, last night I hung out with my cousin (we used to be super close-like bff close) and my ex-boyfriend was there (they've been friends since before the whole bf/gf thing). It was awkward at first but by the end of the night the ice was broken and we chatted and caught up. I forgot how easy it was to talk to him and sweet he could be (I dumped him and from what I hear broke his heart).
• AND I gotta admit everyday I'm looking better and better! Today I weighed in at 125! I'm feeling great! 10 more pounds....and I will be feeling Magnifiscent!
• 29 days of no bingeing (well on veggies but I was still within a reasonable amount of calories) or purging. (Seriously, bulimia made it sooooo much harder to lose weight) It's getting easier as the weeks pass. I eat super duper healthy. Like almost NO processed foods or refined sugar and it really does take away cravings for all that kind of stuff.
• I've been improving (Big Time) at softball since I've lost weight and gained some muscle I can move sooooo much easier now and am less distracted with *jiggle*jiggle* and more eyes on the prize! (i.e. "catch the ball", "run to first base"...etc.)
• College has massive amount of Thinspo. That in conjunction of there not being much healthy foods AND being on an insanely itty bitty budget AND the college is built on the side of a hill AND studying keeps your mind off food and makes time fly is SUPER FANTASTICO! Yay College!
• Unemployment stuff is still up in the air. :( (But that's pretty much my only bad news, so I'm thinking it's not so bad, yes?)

Flushed - 9, ShitStorm - 1

Flushed for the Win!

My new obstacle is balance. There are so many things that I value and so few hours in the day and so few days in the week. I often get blindsided and consumed in one aspect of life and forgetting about the bigger picture. Balancing the Black, the White and the Gray.

Be Balanced.

Staying Focused.

Staying in Control.

Discipline.

----

I've been trying to keep up with your blogs and comment as much as I can but...now that "life" is happening it's been quite a feat (as I'm sure you can all relate cuz you all are posting the same paragraph as this one on your own blogs!). But even if I'm not commenting I am still reading, albeit mostly on the weekend.

Eggs In a Basket

[written in] Math- my last class of [yester]today. A NON-stresser
(thank gawd!) since Its the one class I'm actually registered/enrolled
in. 'Beware the fleeting thoughts of optimism' (a comment from a past-
ahem-downer post I came across recently) I was so confident that I
would get my choice in [yester]todays classes being so high on the
waitlists; but even my #2 position failed me (further cementing the
idea of the #2 =ing SHIT). I'm at a total of 10 units, 2 short of
being a full-time student and, more impotantly, of receiving health
insurance (WebMD turned me into a hypochondriac! The tell-all
bastards!).

Now all my "eggs" are in one "basket" when I find out [today] if my #2
position can rectify and turn my frown upside down. Or whatever.
Getting me those Magical 4 digits that will transform me into a full-
time, benefit having student that I am so desperate for.

I started brainstorming. It's time to take whatever I can get! (Fail.
EVERYclass is completely booked.) 2 more units and I am Golden.

Not all is lost just yet though. There still a chance for the second
#2 to prevail. Even the first #2 there's an inkling of a chance (yup,
yup taking WHATEVER I can get). I'm next, he has my # (and I planned
to e-mail him tonight), just ONE person drops and I'm in (that's
English too, so you should hope for that one too. If I get in I may
actually learn how to use punctuation properly and form coherent
sentences.) (And learn what coherent means?) I'm
hopin'~n~wishin'~n~prayin' that SOMEBODY-ANYBODY is going to decide
that the class is just not right for them and- BAM! POW! KABLOOWEY!!
There I will be! Pen in hand anxiously awaiting to jott down 4 Magical
#s that will calm my Nerves. (And give me a whole 'nother brand of
Stress Wave to ride!)

UNIVERSE DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!

Sent from my iPhone.

Still on the UpSwing...

AIN'T NO STOPPIN ME NOOOOW! I'M ON THE LOOSE!

So the date was really nice last night.

I wore a dress that he absolutely loved and I must say it was looking pretty good on me! By the time he picked me up I was ready, relaxed and on my "game". He could not stop compliment the dress and how great/beautiful/stunning I looked. I love it when boys lie :) hehe.

Also, I was receiving your comments on my iPhone during the date (he wasn't around while I was checking my e-mail obvy I have manners!) (sometimes...) and they were very motivating and put me at ease. Thank you!

He is totally fine with how I eat. Knows I'm a vegetarian and is way cool with it, he watches what he eats to and tries to eat healthy (he is really tall, lean, fit-goes to the gym). I ordered a Summer Salad dressing on the side and sans walnuts and only had a bite of the avocado and 2 pear ciders. (They're delishus, I just couldn't help myself!) Accompanied by water, of course (too tipsy is not charming).

Then over to Dave & Busters for some air hockey, racing, basketball shooting...fun, fun, fun!

Coffee and conversation then headed home.

He is so interesting, I really do enjoy spending time with him.

This feeling is... new and... different and... I'm not quite sure that I like it. Relationships scare me. Letting people "in" scares me. It's so much easier dating knuckle heads that nobody knows and staying comfortable inside my little ED (times are a-changin') bubble but this time everybody knows. We got "fixed up" at a family party. The day after our first date I got asked how it went by like 6 family members.

I'm a very private person and I'm just not good at relationships (hence, how little friends I have and none that are close).

(Okay, I'm a ScaredyCat! Whatev.)

I've typed a million different paragraphs on how and why and what I feel but what it all boils down to is me being pessimistic and trying to anticipate the future and fearing this worst case scenario imaginary outcome. So I'm just gonna treat it like Bulimia and take it one day at a time. One of my millions of thousands many New Years Resolutions this year was to live life more fully and make choices that make me happy with little regard of other peoples opinions (within reason, of course, I still have morals and values) (sometimes).

I worry and stress way too much over what other people think. I felt like everybody was looking me up and down and judging the hell out of me when we were on our date. Oh wait-we were in the OC- they were. But at least I felt good and thought I looked good (so he said...).

My aunt said that she could really see a difference in my body that I've slimmed down! OMG! I'm some amazing dream! Nobody pinch, I don't want to wake up! I pretty sure if I stay sleeping I'm gonna wake up Mrs. Beckham or something. (Grrrrrroooowwwwwllll....)

Well, I'm off to see the wizard... erm, or just go to bed cuz I got a big day tomorrow at SCHOOL. Wish me luck, I'm on waiting lists so it's not for sure yet whether I'm in any of my classes. But if it's meant to be, it will happen and if not this semester then I will try the next! If there is anything I've learned from the start of this blog until now it's PERSEVERANCE and POSITIVITY PAYS!

Ack!

Okay so I'm going out with TheElectrician tonight and he's taking me to dinner at the beach! Dinner-grrrrr! (beach-Yayay!!) I was really hoping that I could avoid food on this date. I need to get ready. I don't know what to wear! I've had 431 calories so far today. No exercise but I think I'll do my buns/thighs DVD (15 minutes), push-ups and some sit-ups just to tighten up a bit.

Ack!

Deep Breathes Flushed. Take. Deep. Breathes.

I'm thinking the coffee may have been a bit counterproductive, yes? Last anyone checked were JitterBugs charming? -Oi. Don't answerthat.

Ack! (Y'know, for good measure.)

And sorry to those of you who have seen an annoying jitterbug commercial (I haven't-hah!) so try this on instead:

I luv tha fishes cuz thur so delishuuuuuss! Got goldfishis.

You hate me now, don't you? Haha.

Sippin on my Decaf and Water

Did not taste nor touch.

Wasn't even tempted.

21 days binge/purge free and counting.

If that's not progress...then you're new here. Welcome! I don't really pay much attention to the number of "followers" (I prefer to call them readers. Who came up with this whole "followers" business anyway? It makes it sound all creepy and cultish, don't ya think?) but I saw today that there are 52! Wowza's! When did this happen?! I was like: they like me, they reeeeealli like me! (I hear gloating is good for your skin, so I indulged a bit) and then I came back down to earth.

Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for your comments, they always make me feel better. No rilly, thank you. I was looking back at previous comments (they get e-mailed to me and...well, my inbox is crowded. I'll just say that.) and I realized how down and out I was when I started this blog. I remembered how I felt like this insufferable bulimic mind trap was closing in on me and I really feared that I would not find my way out. That I may as well give my jeans to GoodWill and invest in Moo-Moo's with the way my weight was getting out of control.

21 days.

And counting.

I'm not saying that I won't ever throw up again, binge or whatever. There have been difficult times when I want to quit, bumps and bruises (and oceans of tears) are bound to happen and I accept that. I'm just saying that day was not yesterday nor today. And I hope that day is not tomorrow. Every moment around food is a choice and making better choices is my goal everyday.

I don't even know where I was going with this...so ummm....yeah. I'm gonna go do my Bender Ball DVD now.

Much Luv~n~Hugs to ya!

SInce When does Socializing=Eating/Drinking?

Being social can be hard. Why is it that every celebration and get together must involve food and high calorie drinks (I live in a world of FUNctioning alcoholics). Last Saturday was the party then lunch on Sunday, I did well considering I was able to choose for myself which foods and how much I ate. The alcohol, however, was unavoidable. It just is. It's certainly not that I want to drink, I'm really not much into drinking. The calories just aren't worth it to me; and I have to fight off the munchies (hey Mr. Webster add "munchies" to your dictionary, it's a medical term I assure you).

Last night my friend came over and brought a movie aaannnnd...FOOD! She forgot that I was a vegetarian so the Roasted Chicken went untouched. But the Caesar salad was unavoidable (no dressing or croutons, it was the Grated Parmasean Cheese that made my heart race). AND, of course we just HAD TO sample all 7 flavors of jello shots that were still left over from the party. AND drink a bottle of champagne. (Aren't I a good host. Liquor 'em ups my motto!) (I am my mothers daughter :\ )

Today is my mom's birthday and guess what we're doing. That's right, dinner. I'm hoping that I can get away with eating nothing or just a plain small salad or a side of steamed veggies. I just have this nagging thought that people are gonna want to "include" me and order things for a vegetarian or point out every. single. dish. that is sans animal. Which is the most annoying thing to me EVER! I've been a notorious health nut for years, you really think I need your guidance? Umm....I love you and you are trying to be "helpful" or "supportive" or something but you're overweight. I've been there done that and learned better so you can take note of what and how I eat but please don't try and pass me your. kthanx.

And then on Saturday I'm going on another date with TheElectrician which will likely involve food and drink. Ugh.

In other news my mom was checking out my body last night and she was all super complimentary. She said I looked great that I looked skinny which, of course, made me feel great (coming from my mom) and I was all "I do feel A LOT better! 10 more pounds to go!" and she was like "Wha? Where?"

(I can't lie, I smiled on the inside to this comment)

and then I proceeded to grab fat from my problem areas (my thighs can lose 10 pounds alone, GROSS!). And she gave me this weird look, "but you'll look anorexic cuz your so small already on top".

And being the masterful debater I replied (geniusly, of course) with: Nu-uh! I was 10 pounds lighter than I am when I was 21 and I did not look anorexic! Plus, I've been doing push-ups! Check out my muskles!

[cue corny body builder poses]

(don't judge.)

I'm also trying to think of what I want to do for my birthday (It's still a few weeks away, I just want to be prepared). It's on a Friday and I know people won't let me just pretend that it doesn't exist (any excuse for a celebration. My family is so boring, I know.) But I really don't want to go out to dinner. I was thinking of doing something cheesy like going to Bowling or to the Drive-In or something. Anything where I'm not cornered into eating or drinking.

Drink & Be Merry

SO the party was pretty good. Off to a slow start but pretty soon I was knee deep in jello shots, tequila and alcoholic goodness. As far as eating went I stuck strictly to fruits and veggies, that's right, I didn't so much as look at chips, beans, rice...nachos...etc. And to be honest, I really wasn't all that tempted. (Go me!) I felt good.

I wasn't thrilled about drinking (since life is not fair and alcohol has calories in it) but hell, it's been a while and a girls gotta let loose, drink and be merry. It is a party, after all. But I didn't drink incessantly and considering my food choices and the fact that I was walking around (all sexy-like, thank you Mr. Inventor of High Heels and Flatirons) and socializing, I figured it all balanced out.

The last couple of Sundays I've been at the ball park, playing softball and hanging with my aunt (we carpool) and this guy has been around. He's my cousins friend (this particular aunts son), he's one of those macho men but he's really flirty, he takes every opp to talk/comment/touch me and...well, it's kind of awkward (although, admittedly, I do enjoy the attention). So he was there and paying me attention which, again, is a bit of a self-esteem booster.

And speaking of self-esteem boosting and awkward moments, ThePainter totally cornered his brother and I into going out to lunch on Sunday. Ummm....you're a painter not the lead matchmaker at eHarmony. I'm embarrassed. His brother, TheElectrician is pretty good looking but like a decade (or something) older than me. But on and on ThePainter goes all UsedCarSalesmen style about how we would be good for each other and Flushed is pretty and has a good head on her shoulders, is going to school, blahblahblah and TheElectrician is a good guy, got his ish together, place at the river, looking for a house (he owns his own business), blahblahblah.

So we're just standing there all awkward-like stealing awkward side glances to see if the other is repulsed at the idea (okay, we caught eyes a couple of times when I was passing through). ThePainter went to far as to say that we were going to have lunch at YardHouse at 12 the next day. Seriously, TheElectrician and I said like 15 actually words MAX this entire time but we did end up agreeing.

In other news. As far as school goes, I'm on the waiting list for all but one class. I'm gonna hafta be all on the ball and be an early bird and go gettin'. Must. I must. Bodywise, I'm feeling good, 128.5 is the number the scale read today which is the lowest number that I've seen since that frightful day when I stepped on the scale and nearly drowned in my own tears. I'm glad that I'm finally seeing the 120's again, I've been seeing improvement in my body it's about g'damntime the scale show a little give too!

BTW: The Bender Ball is amazing. I've done the core, buns and thighs dvd that the ball came with and I'm feeling good.

-----The Date-----

I skipped my softball game and rescheduled "lunch" (Who has lunch at 3:30pm? I do when I'm drinking until 5am.) So we met and it wasn't awkward (surprisingly). He's a really chill guy and very interesting, we actually had a lot to talk about and covered a wide variety of subjects. And talk we did. I got home around 10pm. From lunch (I had a house salad and some mystery irish beer that was actually pretty good. Of course, I didn't want to drink it but he brought it and it's only polite and didn't taste bad-I had one to his two) then we drove to the "Hollywood Hills Homes" of our small little town (okay, it's a bit bigger than that but still) and then to historic (and nice) hotel bar (I had 1 Lemon Drop Martini, again, I had one drink to his two and I was a little light headed, haha-wow, it's been a while!) We ended the date with a kiss and he asked if I would be interested in going if he got tickets to The Pageant of the Masters (it's an Art Festival thing in Laguna Hills) (I mentioned I'd never been and was curious, he says he's been and it was actually pretty neat).

So, yeah. It's so weird. I don't even know what to think or how to go about this situation at all. I haven't been "in the game" in so long and actually haven't really been all that interested in getting back into it. I even had a convo with my cousin the other day that it's just not something that I think about-ever. Or maybe more in a WinTheLottery type light (y'know, the lottery that I'd love to win but don't even consider playing cuz why bother when the odds are so bad you just end up losing money and hopes) (I'm optimistic. Clearly.).

Everybody knows him (kinda), he's like a decade-ish older than me and I don't know. But, then, who cares what other people think, right? I had a good time with him. And we actually found a lot of common ground (which is rare for me since I'm an oddball-well, you know, you read my blog!). So....I'm just gonna fly by the seat of my pants, do whatever I want and see where it takes me. I guess. I mean, why not? I've got nothing to lose, right?

Just Breathe

> What a week! My aunts 50th birthday party is today AT MY HOUSE so
> crazy week getting decorations and coordinating and errands and
> trying to keep myself together (emotional fail). I can't handle much
> (just in case you haven't noticed) but all in all I think I've been
> all right.
>
> I figured out which classes I'm taking for school, I didn't realize
> how time consuming it can be trying to coordinate class schedules!
>
> Also, I found out that my mom can have me on her health insurance
> until I'm 25 as long as I'm a full time student! (one more year) So
> this is Super Fantastic News of Epic Proportions (clearly) and is
> brought to you with much Glee on my part! (squee!!)
>
> After today/tomorrow things will settle and I'll be able to catch up
> on all your lovely bloggity blog lives! I'm blogging from the car
> wash right now (I don't want to hear 285,826,916,826
> comments/"jokes" about how dirty it is) (what is it with people and
> feeling the need to inform you that your car is dirty and you need
> to wash it? -ohrilly? I hadn't noticed it's only in my driveway when
> I'M not driving it! I'm sorry it hurts you so...please forgive me Oh
> Clean Car Nazi?-)
>
> Anyhoodle, I'd also like to let ya'll know that should I not purge
> today it will be DAY 14! Two whole weeks!
>
> Stupid party. (it'll be fun) Wish me luck! (Lord knows I'll need it,
> my anxiety is already through the roof!)
>
> Sent from my iPhone.

Melodramatic much?

[It's got links!]

Ummm...I'm so sorry for freaking you all out in that last post! Thank you, thank you, thank you a blagazillion times(!) for all of your comments! Seriously, I can't thank you enough.

I've not gone to the doctor thus me+diabetes is speculation based of symptom checkers googled.

It came about last week when Assured and I were talking on our walk, it was all very casual and, well, conversational. She asked if I (implying I should, of course) looked into having diabetes, she repeated the symptoms that I casually mentioned as annoyance (insatiable thirst, pee every 2 minutes and finally, showing her the 300 blisters on the back of my foot that seem like they've been there forever!) (annoying, right?!) and also added that our family has a history of it. I dismissed it immediately thinking, it probably just looks that way but, again, chalking it up to being a victim of circumstances.

Cause: Drinking a boat load of water.

Effect: Peeing a boat load.

Cause: Continue walking on already blistered feet.

Effect: Wounds that won't heal!

Duh! Right? Right! That's what I thought.

But the thought nagged at me. Waking up NUMEROUS times at night to go pee? Not normal. I began to scan my memory bank thus putting a little more weight on said symptom. Then fishing...who exactly has diabetes? Both my grandma and grandpa (apparently whichever can be okay through diet). AND THEN I went to google and check more annoyances off the list. Resulting in a Hate Letter to my body and an OCEAN OF TEARS! Cured with your lovely comments, a long walk (with a pitstop at a playground. How Super Freaking Fantastic are swings!) (And a little Jason Mraz "Lonely Girl" - ummm....yeah, I have a playlist called Sad Pants for these piteous occasions, it actually makes me feel better.) and weird breakdown(s).

My Aunt was telling me about going to the county for healthcare. She said that there will be a lot of waiting and a nominal fee depending of how much your income is, so this is what I had in mind. UNTIL my Sis (and Adodable Baby!) came over and was saying something about not qualifying if you have a 401k and $5,000 or more in the bank. Umm....County Funded Buh-Bye!

So there goes that.

That's not fair! It kind of is but then not. Isn't saving money and not blowing it all and living in debt what a Responsible, Smart Person does?! Oh but said person better not have health issues because there goes all said money on doctors bills. Should blew it at the mall. What is this? A society built on having your cake and eating it too? Stupid Fat society.

(I really don't know what I'm talking about but it makes sense to me! Temper Tantrum Alert!)

(Oh wait, the alerts are suppose to come before huh? Oh well.)

Let's face it, right now, I'm a hot mess of exponential [and emotional] proportions. Spiritually Lost, if you will. I keep trying to remind myself that that there is a rainbow after this ShitStorm of Tears that is my life right now. Things will get better, This Too Shall Pass and all that Silver Lining. (Also, I suspect my "Girls Week" may be around the corner. Boo!) It's just a matter of reminding myself of that and being strong. Because I am. (Damnit!)

It's weird, all this emotion. I'm used to bottling it all up but I think in this past year I've run out of room and it's starting to spill over. Hello, Multiple Emotional Breakdowns! Yikes.

On the bright side you all get to feel incredibly sane and put together after reading my posts!

You're welcome.

Dear Body,

You ungrateful piece of fat, disease and disorder?!

I try to make you happy. Vegetable, fruits, oats, exercise and plenty of water isn't enough for you? I even take a multivitamin for good measure and still you act like the spoiled, ungrateful brat! I may be at the top of the BMI richter scale but damnit you are not obese!

What more do you want from me?! What will it take for you to be happy? To be healthy?! Isn't that what you want too? Healthy mind, healthy body and healthy soul? Well, your shit is severely lowering morale in these parts despite my best efforts to appease you!

I'm still trying and will continue to do so, I want, I need for our relationship to be a good one. Why are you fighting me?

I'm at my wits end and am finally ready to take matters to a higher level. You seem to be in need of professional help. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to be angrier with you if there is something wrong or if there's not but I just need to know. And just know you are in the doghouse bitch! You're stressin' me out! This not knowing, these google/webMD driven trial and errors?! I've had it trying to figure out your issue(s).

Already you plague me with Lupus but Diabetes? Really? REALLY?!

Fuck you, you're an asshole.

Spitefully stuck with you,

Flushed.

P.S. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHGHGHHHGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

I make no sense.

I was skimming through this article and tried to do the exercise.

I asked myself: When I was at my thinnest and healthiest and happiest what was it that got me to fall off the wagon? For so a while it was easy, exercise, healthy food...smiling. I think it was the pressure that did me in. Not only the pressure that I put on myself but also the pressure of others and all the attention. I didn't know how to handle it.

I got a lot of attention. Compliments and endless comments. It seemed like all of a sudden, not only was I viewed in the positive limelight but also scrutinized. Everybody made a big deal of what I ate (healthy food) and especially what I didn't eat (junky, fattening food). How much I ate...nobody (to my knowledge) thought that I had an ED they just saw me as a Health Nut. I grew tired of all the attention, I didn't know how to handle it, I was used to being the wallflower. My Cis and Assured were the ones that were typically in the spotlight but at the time it was me who seemed to have it all.

"We'd all be skinny if we just ate what Flushed ate...."

"Oh Flushed won't eat that...."

"Flushed, I made some [insert justmissedthehealthymark food here] for you since I know you won't be eating [fat/junk]"

It got tiring. I just wanted to be me but be normal, the limelight is not for me. Sometimes (a lot of time) my energy supplies are low (I blame Lupus) and the attention seems like the weight of the world. All these limitations that they were pointing out (albeit inadvertently) were wearing on me. Can we just not talk about what I will and won't eat?! Can nobody go out of their way to try and accommodate me?! If you want to eat healthy do it and stop commenting on how you wish you eat better but you just can't stand to give up [fat/junk]! Stop making me feel guilty for actually being healthy!

Just let me be! Stop putting a label on me! I don't care if the label has a pretty, sparkly bow, I don't want it!

I don't think.

Or maybe it's that I do want it but at the same time I just want to fit in, as my happy self. I don't want to feel guilty for being who am or getting closer to who I want to be.

Obviously, I don't know how to handle the limelight. Socially, I'm behind. I was a sad, bitter, cynical, angry and fat girl hating everybody who wasn't for so long that it's become my comfort zone. It's the way that I know.

Used to wanting but not having. When the fantasy became a reality, I didn't know how to handle it. Like a little girl in grown up clothes. Or maybe...we all dream of being a princess in a beautiful castle, living in the laps of luxury (and all that splendor) but thrown in the mix would be actually be all that graceful and elegant? Would be fall on our faces trying to waltz in a ballroom and use the wrong fork at dinner? Know the perfectly gracious and humble way to accept a compliment? Have the perfectly witty and charming remark to win over an audience? Or would we freak and awkwardly excuse yourself to restroom (the powder room?) and take deep breathes until you will yourself to go back out and brave your new role in your new world?

Freewrite. If you find this post to be completely irrational and senseless, just know that. Freewrite.

Float Upon a Bloat...

I'm bloated.

Yup, it's all regret and slothery in my corner of the couch. Watermelon kicked my ass today. So did mountains upon mountains of salad and veggies and eggwhites and nuts and oatmeal...aaarggh!! Too much! Much too much. I'm disgusting! I make myself sick!

(Not literally though because I'm on Day 4.)

(SQUEE!)

Clearly Skinny Bitching was not on my mind despite my rave review! I just keep eating too much, it's not bad food but eating your weight in watermelon and salad? Excessive. Unacceptable.

You like how I'm doing something about it? All pro-active-like?

Me too.

Surely the bloat will blog away....with my fingers moving like lightning! Typing, it's the latest craze in fitness! Read all about it in FatAss Fatness, pick up a copy at your local Fattery. They're free and promise to burn calories of the imaginary persuasion only. That's right, folks. No need to worry about turning into a Skinny Bitch reading this pile of gluttony.

I need to get my ass off the couch and DO SOMETHING! Put on my Nike's and Just Do It! Except they're New Balance and don't have a slogan.

No slogan, no deal. How am I gonna get motivated and work out with no gimmick?

It's like there's this big blubbery walrus wearing an orange polyester suit with horizontal stripes in the room with me. Taunting me and poking at my fat.

I'm gonna look at Thinspo now in hopes that it will inspire me to move muscles further away from the keyboard than my wrists...

(I wouldn't be surprised if there is another post tonight...perhaps the next one will not be written by A Crazy Person)

Skinny Bitch Me, Please.

I just got done reading Skinny Bitch.

Uh-Mazing.

I totally recommended it to anyone and everyone!

(DietLexy recommended it to me! Thank you Lex!)

It really gives it to ya and reads in a no nonsense sort of way like a friend (albeit an outspoken one!) is talking to you. They give you the facts (and site their sources). Very informative.

It certainly has changed the perspective that I have on food both specifically and generally. And really has me weighing my "vices" and Skinny Bitch aspirations on a balancing scale. My vices as I see them really aren't that bad. They are mostly certainly not good for my body but then they aren't exactly on a one-way train to Fatlanta.

(I'm lookin' at you Coffee.)

But, in general-YES and YES!

I checked it out from the library (as well as the audiobook so I can download and listen to anytime) and after reading the book I even want to buy it! Hello AMAZON!

(Shut up Budget! You killjoy.)

In all seriousness though. Pick up a copy or even listen to the audiobook, I know it won't be for everybody but it will give you very useful information that you can apply to your everyday life (Knowledge is Power y'all!!) and it's presented in a way that's not all super complicated that you need a dictionary, medical dictionary and science textbook on stand-by. Just regular plain english.

And some profanity-to add a little zest to keep you on your tootsies!

Silver Lining hiccups, bumps, bruises and potholes...oh my!

After months (and months and months....) (...and months!) of slothiness and fatteration things are starting to look up.

Mostly.

I feel like the storm is passing. I made a list (what? I'm a virgo, that's how we do.) of how my life is taking direction:

• EDD has got my cashflow back in action.
• My body is becoming less and less like that of a walrus and taking a bit more shape (Thank you: Calorie Counting, Eating Healthy, Exercise, Will Power and a little Self Control)
• My Leg Pain is a goner (thanx to my self doctorization :)
• I'm Starting School (Assessment Test tomorrow, Orientation/Counselor Stuff on Friday)
• Playing softball Fridays and Sundays now. (Exercise) (Well, kinda. Slow Pitch really isn't much but I get out and it's fun)
• My aunts friend really wants me to do some design work for her and wants to compensate me for said work! (moneymoneymoney-MuuuuuuuuNeh!)
• My aunts also says she can get me into working at FedEx. (Health Bennies from Day 1. Exercise.) (I think EDD pays me more but I'm not sure how EDD+School pays out just yet. And Bennies would be nice.)

It's direction. It's a start. A start that I'm actually looking forward to.

Since I've gotten laid off I've felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean, 360 degrees of no land in sight. I've finally picked a direction and began to swim.

That's the Silver Lining.

And now for the Cloud...

I think I have anxiety.

On Saturday night, I binged and purged (still no more than 1200 cals for the day though) so that sucked cuz I went from Day 9 to Fail to 1 to Fail and today I'm Day 2. I don't get "bumps in the road" I get "hiccups". "Hiccups" is a funner word to say tho, so it's got that going for it. These "hiccups" I think triggered an "Anxiety" thing(?) because my body (head-shoulders-kneees and toes, teeth and earlobes...) was all numb and tingling likes it's never tingled before and I wanted to scream and jump out of my own skin. It was CrazyTown, CrazyTown in my body. So I guess this is some kind of "Anxiety" thing according to Google.

So that sux.

And Friday night the battery on my car died after my game. I got soso so so lucky that a few girls from the team were still there and knew the whole shebang and helped me out. I was so embarrassed. Not only does my car battery die but my car thought it would be funny to play hide and go seek with the hood release.

Right, I couldn't find it. I promise you though it WAS hard to find! Curse you, Japanese and your trickery! I felt like such an idiot.

The girls were asking me the typical questions...

Haven't you ever popped your hood before?

Yeah..it should be....maybe not....

Don't you get your car serviced?

Yeah, I just take it to the dealer, my car tells me when it's time. Don't check the oil because it tells me right when it's low.

Luxury has rendered me it's Stuck-On-Stupid Victim.

Ayholes.

I'm really not that stupid! REALLY! I used to have a car that's battery died all the time. I DID know how and actually check the oil on it. It was even stick shift! I put air in the tires...granted, I was no mechanic or even mechanics apprentice but I knew the basic survival needs of the car. Popping the hood? Did it in my sleep.)

(And have always been well equipped with the trusty Triple A)

So embarrassed.

Luckily, my mom is out of town until next Monday so I'm just driving her gas guzzler until I'm done giving my car the Silent Treatment.

And then once I was up and running my screen comes on and it's asking for some sort of code. And I was like Fuck You Japanese and your Trickery! You're dead to me!

But on the inside.

I didn't want some crazy Japanese Spy Satellite to hear me and turn my shit off again.

Sneaksters.

I'm pretty sure there was more Dark Clouds of Cloudiness to be blogged when I started typing but I forgot so...You're Welcome.

P.S. True Blood is INTENSE this season, right?! Love it!

P.P.S. Oh yeah and boys are starting to take notice of me again. So that's always good. I'm getting my Cute&Confident Swagger back. (I think the jigglies were hiding it!) (Boo Jigglies! Get the Hell Out!)