Friday, February 26, 2010

Non sto bene


It all started on Wednesday in Costco, I only went for a couple things and I knew almost exactly where they were.  There was no need to peruse the aisles but somehow this added torture was completely necessary.  I was planning again, planning my Saturday Sabotage-y'know the one I said I would never repeat? Yeah. That one.

My aggravation increased with every passing minute.  I hated  the other shoppers, how can they eat that stuff and not feel guilty? I wondered.  My eyes moved from their cart to their body, and THAT's why your fat. I'd look at my own cart, a case of v8 and gum, but they're probably happy, a small and faint voice whispered from the far corner of my mind and I could feel the sadness washing over me as the voice grew strength. Look at what you are doing to yourself, your making yourself miserable and for what? You aren't even skinny.  You're still fat and you're fat the hard way. I pushed the voice away, I'm losing, I've been doing good liquid fasting and I'm losing.  I'm going to be super skinny, it's worth it, it'll be worth it.  That food, all it is fat.

When I finally got back in my car I wanted to cry and kick and scream at the top of my lungs but I just sat there, stoic.  I didn't even want to think or feel because it was only hatred and misery and I couldn't even lie to myself because I was all too aware that lies is exactly what they were.  I'm losing because I am miserable but if I eat, I will be losing more because then I'll be fat and miserable.  I am a loser either way.  I hate myself and I hate being me.

My eyes are still dry and lifeless, it takes conscious effort and an exertion of energy to turn them on.  When I got home on Wednesday I binged.  It started off fine, it always does but the craving for food was insatiable and I lost my mind.

I still haven't found it.

It's Friday night now and I haven't stopped eating.  I am dead inside.  I am fat outside.

Looking back over the past month of trying to fast I realize that it's done me more harm than good.  The problem is not the fasting, the problem is coming out of the fast. 3 times now, I have completely obliterated any hoping of sustaining the weightloss because I lose all control.  One bite turns into One Entire Empty Kitchen.

A Sane Person may, at this juncture, might decide that liquid fasting is a Bad Idea.  On the other hand A Sane Person wouldn't have decided at any point in life that sticking their finger down their throat was A Good Idea either.

So now that we're clear on that, I want to fast the entire month of March.  March starts on a Monday, which is faboo because who doesn't love a fresh start?  So, this is a liquid fast, of course and was inspired my Savory.  Anything that can be drank through a juice box sized straw is a go-go.  Obvy, milkshakes and the like are a hellmuthafukin No. Tracking my calories and weighing myself daily is a given and I'm deffo saying yes to acohol (Savory is not) (you are a stronger woman than I Savory) but there is a couple of birthdays and such that I'm not sitting sober through.  

I'm a nerd with technology so I have my iCal e-mailing me on the daily and I will answer the questions that I ask myself in hopes that this will keep me focused. Below is what the e-mail will say, it's subject to change if I think of anything (or you do) to add to.

I still have 2 more days but I don't want to go all ape-shit on the food front.  For the next two days: No junk.  Eggwhites, vegetables, fruit, oats... these things are okay.  (and coffee and stuff)


the email:
------------------------

Skinny is a choice, make it.

What’s the plan today?
Calorie Range?

How much do you weigh?
How much do you want to weigh?

On a scale of 1-10, are you satisfied with yesterday?
How could you have been better?

List 1 productive thing you did yesterday?
What is one productive thing you’d like to get done today?


REMEMBER!
Take a deep breathe & ask yourself: 
“Am I truly hungry?” 

Drink a glass of water before & after meals AND in between.

If you get bored, drink zero cal juice as a snack.

7 comments:

  1. I think it sounds like a good plan, just keep yourself motivated and you can do it, I'm sorry you felt so awful, but, if you truly want to you can control it, fight it, and win. I wish you all my lick for your new plan and Monday, x.

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  2. I do the cart look-overs too. Funny how peoples carts mirror their bodies. That is why when I am in binge-mode and I go through the checkout with all my sweets, I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking "no wonder your such a fatty".

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  3. I feel the same exact way <3

    Hope your fast goes well

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  4. I work in a grocery store and i do the same thing, hating people for being able to buy that stuff without guilt, and then judging them based on what they eat and what they look. I do it all day every day (at least when i work). Sometime's it's good reverse thinspo; other times, i'ts a good set up to binge...
    But monday is a lovely time to start fresh: new month, new week, new plan, new you! You'll do great, sweetie.

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  5. i totally feel you! R u talking the costco in Burbank? I feel like we pass each other :)its fun to follow the bloggers in LA, and imagine people as you...good luck little lady

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  6. lol i am probably one of the girls that you all would look at and think " eww is she going to eat that" because i buy my son ALL of the foods on my bad list.haha every month my cart is packed to the brim with chicken, mac and cheese,ice cream,bread,cereal,juice and butter. the only comfort i get is secretly knowing i wont be eating any of it :P
    stay strong, im glad to see that even though youve had a tough couple of days that your staying positive about the new month. your going to do great!
    meg

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  7. lol i am probably one of the girls that you all would look at and think " eww is she going to eat that" because i buy my son ALL of the foods on my bad list.haha every month my cart is packed to the brim with chicken, mac and cheese,ice cream,bread,cereal,juice and butter. the only comfort i get is secretly knowing i wont be eating any of it :P
    stay strong, im glad to see that even though youve had a tough couple of days that your staying positive about the new month. your going to do great!
    meg

    ReplyDelete

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