Gettin' Personal...

TheElectrician just left, back to work.

We went out last night. It was nice. Place that does Sushi and stuff (it's sooooo American!) and had the Spinach Artichoke Salad minus cheese/crouts/dress of course! And added some Spicy Tofu thingy's that were delish but I just know they were made with oil...freaked a bit but I don't think I even ate a fourth of 'em all, I don't think it was so bad. And according to the scale this morning, it wasn't. Not even the Plum Wine (which if you haven't got the 411 is delishus, do try!) that I had with dinner or the sake shot thingy (notsoyum)...or the glass of Pear Cider (Mmmmm...Cider...) that I had later at some bar were so bad!


(y'day: 123.5, t'day: 123)


And thank heavens for that(!) cuz TheElectrician has these uber strong hands and gives amazing messages and I said, "all I want for my birthday is a message and a haircut!"


Well, I didn't tell him that directly, I was retelling what I told my mom when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday...whatever, it just went okay, go with it. So, he said he could take care of that and I was like word? Let's do this ish! 




(Okay, just kidding, I don't really talk like.)


We basically set an appointment for today at 11, an hour message! FREE MESSAGE!! Woop! Woop!


And then this morning I was like, "Ah Fok" (in my head) cuz I was like Whoa! Whoa! I'm a FAT ASS! I was getting uncomfortable last night when we were making out and he was all touchin' me and I was thinking Good Sir, would you be so kind as to move to less fat area. Kthanx.  (Making out in a car just sux when you sit a have fat rolls. CanIgetA AyMen to that?!)

And then my self-consciousism started running rampid!

• My house is a mess! What if he thinks I'm a pig.
• What if he wants to see my room?! Ack! Clean it! (I'm really self-conscious about my room cuz it's so different and notsomuch the norm and also unfinished~Gold walls, Black ceiling w/black baseboards and trim? Yeah. Different.) (I do love it tho cuz it's mine and I know where I want to go with it...) I digress.
• I'M FAT!
• Where do we do this message thing at?
• Do I have to get naked like at a message place? He said something about oils...

Virgo? Yes. VirgIN? No. Why am I acting like such a virgin around him? Like I'm afraid to have sex? Okay, I am. Yup. Self conscious bout that too. What if I'm not good? He's gonna see my body, I'm not skinny yet! What if I'm not into it? What if I'm bad?


It just doesn't stop! My mind SUX! You see?! You see all this negativity that's just lurkin in the shadows waiting to jump out and neg me back to solitary confinement?! To loneliness?! Every time things in my life start turning up. Everytime that I start get a little closer to people (I'm talking in general now) this is what my mind does to me. It's so aggravating! And it must STOP! (In the naaaame of Luuuuuuv before you break my heaaaaart. Think it O-o-verrrrr...)


Oh sorry. Don't you wish life were like a musical and you could just burst out into song and dance whenever the feeling hit you? Hmmm...people would probably never get an unsung word out of me, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe good for me, who doesn't LOVE singing and dancing! Not me. (Even tho that wasn't a question) And Bad for others, I have a terrible voice, on the other hand some might find it pretty amusing, no?


I digress. (Again! Like always! I do this in life too which is the bad part! Off on my little pointless tangents...oh wait.)


TheElectrician! Right. SO he came over and a make out sesh follow an Fabulous rub-down/message IN MY ROOM (which he loved! Despite my make-shift electical faux pas...) And everything was all fine and dandy. He kept complimenting the look today which is totally casual "this ole thing" simple and minimal (w/intentionally and w/effort, of course!). AND I got a bit self-conscious (shirtless) but relaxed (Magical Hands) and then making out (shirt on) the whole touchy feely wasn't so bad cuz um, the bed is MUCH better for the body! He can put his hands around my waist, feel ribs and hip bones...I need more and less of-the other (*shudder*). He, "can't get enough of me" and "can't stop kissing those lips" which are direct quotes and not the first time he's said...


Conclusion? The mind. The mind is an asshole.

AND!!

AND!!

And it's 105 f**king degrees outside! UNacceptable. WTF Mother
Nature?! Sleeping on the job?! Didn't get the memo?! NEWFLASH!!
Seasons Change! It's fall! EXTRA! EXTRA! Read ALL about it!

AND! With all the water I've drunk today to keep from turning into
dust I've damn near peed my pants (dress) every time (and it's A LOT)
I've gone to the bathroom! Nothing, nothing, nothing, BAM!!
GottapeeGottapeeGottapee!!

AND I hope I'm not all fat and tired and disgusting tomorrow!! Get an
A on the exam! Get my HW done and Right! Be charming and thin and
purdiful!!
Amen! (or something)

Sent from my iPhone.

Yuck

Yuck. Ugh. Blah.

So I went to watch the Yankees WIN(!) last night and it lasted too
long. Too, too long. Great game, glad I was there. Too long. Less than
5 hours of sleep later... Not a happy camper today. Insane crazy big
appetite. Hate this. It's a quarter to 3 and I've already had a
balanced 500 calories today and I'm not happy about this.

While I'm glad that I'm gonna be in the classroom until 5 o'clock I am
NOT HAPPY that I feel like an Oompa Loompa Walrus Hippo.

That whole lack of sleep makes for an increase of appetite thing is
totall fact and totally kicking my ass today!! Woke up grumpy as shit.
Been YuckoRama all day and now <5hrs of sleep and >500 cals
later...I'm not any less grumpy. I have no motivation to be in class,
I did not do my homework (I'm hoping my yeah will overlook this) and I
have no energy to do ANYTHING!!!

AND!!

(Oh yes, there's more. Hang on to your seats folks...)

TOMORROW I have a 72 math problems due that I have Yet to do and I
skipped class (Yankee vs Angels) so I'm HOPING that I can do it.

AND a mid-Term in Sociology first thing in the morning.
AND(!) TheElectrician wants to take me out so I gotta be all fresh and
Purdy (as much as is possible for me anyway) and have Energy.

Yay.
(Note the enthusiastic period as oppose to some hum drum and uber
sarcastic exclamation point)

I hope your day is infinitely better than mine!
And I'm trying to be optimistic of tomorrow.
Trying.

Meh. I'll try tomorrow. Today. Today I'm too fucking spent!

Again, hope you are having a faboo day!

Sent from my iPhone.

This is How I do...

I found this downloaded an app on my iPhone called "Lose It!" (it's free. Aside from Tetris and Wurdle all my Apps are of the Free variety). You enter some info and how much you want to lose (max is 2lbs a week). So in mid-October I should be at a goal weight and looking fabulous!

Theoretically.

Mid-October. Seriously? That long!? That's crazy talk!

You crazy App. You crazy.

I just can't imagine it taking 14 weeks for my goal. It's not inspiring. At All.

The plan that "Lose It!" gives me is a "Budget" of 940 calories a day. So then I wonder....470 calories a day and goal weight at 7 weeks? Just kidding. (Kinda.) If you have an iPhone though it really is a cool way to keep track. It has a built in library already with nutritional info on food and calories burned for different types of exercise (Archery? Really? Yeah.) Super easy and convenient to use. Hopefully I still feel the same a week from now and my clothes are not so tight and unattractive.

^I started this post a while back^

Thoery went to shit as far as goal weight mid-October goes but I still use the app (religiously) and it's quite handy. (Maybe by November? I'm keeping my fingers crossed and sticking to my ways...PERSISTANCE and PERSERVERENCE!) It even breaks down the percentages of Fat/Protein/Carbs that I've consumed by day and by week. Here are some screen shots...

----------This is how I do...it's what works for me, take it or leave it :) -----------

The reason that I'm telling you all about this is, I really think that it's a BIG HELP of how I've managed so long sans Mia. When I'm hungry I can look at it and see...what did I eat today? What am I missing? Protein? Sugars? Carbs? Fat? and by finding what I'm missing it puts my body/mind back into balance so I don't feel all crazy-like and out of control.

Also, I'm big on healthy foods because it just works for me (I'm a vegetarian~processed food triggers me), I've managed to stay away from overly processed foods, that's right folks~my carbs are veggies, oats (the regular old fashioned ones not instant that I eat with Splenda and either AllSpice or blends some fresh berries and an itty bitty mount of salt), Wasa crackers (they're good enough to satisfy but not to binge) and, of course, fruit has carbs too. When I want something sweet I eat fruit.

For protein, I get it predominately from eggwhites because they are pure protein (and I'm lazy so I make em in the microwave) (always w/sea salt and pepper and sometimes I added onions or some kind of veggie). Also, raw nuts (almonds and pistachios on hand) or, if I must, beans~as long as they are not made with lard (I'm lookin at you refried beans!). If you go to a mexican restaurant a lot of times you can get frijoles de la hoya which are when they are just boiled and spiced and BEFORE they mash and lard 'em up.

Oh yeah, I also microwave my frozen vegetable and then spice the hell out of them! I'm big on spices...and mustard, hot sauce, salsa, etc.

For Fat: raw nuts, fresh avocado or, more recently, hummus (convenience, the sell 100 cal pks at Costco) (I eat it with raw celery or raw zucchini).

This keeps me sane. Obvy, I "binge" now and again and when you try to stay as close to 500 cals per day that's what your body wants~CALORIES! 500 is not enough to keep shit running properly, I know this but F-you body, get skinny and just maybe we'll compromise.

I digress.

So when I binge. I keep it to veggies and fruit but I still keep track of everything cuz  otherwise all hells gonna break loose and then...Bad News Bears. So I have my little rules and such...and sometimes I just gotta stop and take a walk. Drinking tons of water helps too. Better full of water than calories!

When I go out to restaurants I order salad (no croutons, no cheese, dressing on the side that I won't touch unless it's salsa cuz salsa is basically just tomato and onion, sometimes I'll put soy sauce if it's available...) and maybe a side of steamed (and plain-NO OIL!) veggies if I'm real hungry which I'll usually cut and mix into my salad. (I usually eat an eggwhite before I go for protein, helps me stay in control)

My appetite suppressants are these Herbalife Pills called, Total Control and Snack Defender, I take them together a couple times a day. I also take a Women's One-A-Day that I cut in half and take in the morning then evening. Hot Tea that I drink plain. Black coffee w/Splenda. And these Zero Cal Flavored Waters that are made with Splenda and not aspertame. Other than the occasional alcoholic bevy that's all folks! No liquid cals.

I don't have days to deviate from this, I stick as closely as possible. I don't "treat" myself or have "just one" or "in moderation" because frankly, I just can't handle it. I will end up in the Mia cycle and a tub of lard. I don't buy things that I KNOW I will trigger me to binge, I just don't. No exceptions. I just don't have that kind of self control. My brain is all or nothing, so I choose nothing because that is what works for me!

Obvy, if you read my blog~this ish didn't happen overnight! I still freak about even my veggie binges and not know the exact cals (I'll overestimate), I'm not perfect but I am persistent and perseverant and forgiving when I need to be.

Jumping to Conclusions?

Guilty.

So, while TheElectrician didn't contact me yesterday he texted me this morning, he wants to take me out on Thursday.

"Let me take you out Thursday"

To be exact. Then later on when he determined via text whether I was "working or relaxing" he called. He filled me in on the past howeverlong and was like, "so do I have to like kidnap you from studying?".

Answer: Yes, yes you do.

Guess he's not "over it" like I thought. Strange, strange man.

---

I came across a tweet today that said something to the affect of somebody telling their mom and it basically played out that her mom was like, just starve yourself to death then (as opposed to bulimia, I'm assuming). Later there was a quiz online (I'm such a sucker for quizzes-jeez they're like screaming, "Catagorize me!!") and one of the questions was something like how you treat health/food around your kid...

It made me think of the reaction of my Mom and Sis when I told them (each on separate occasions). Neither knew what to say, they just didn't say much of anything just shocked I guess? Now that I'm losing weight again I wonder if they wonder. (only sometimes tho, wondering if people wonder about anything is like trying to take the treadmill to work)

I started wondering how I would handle if my own [hypothetical] kid had an ED, whether they confessed or not...what would be the appropriate way to handle the situation...

Think about it. There are so many different people behind the blogs we read who handle each and every situation differently yet have the same underlying issue. Some are crying out for help...others not, some are just confused...

There's may not be a wrong way to eat a Reese's but there certainly is a wrong way for that sucker to leave your body. And there most certainly is a wrong way to treat a person with an ED whom you are trying to help.

Fifty Days

Fifty Days!
Woot! Woot!

So today was my 50th consecutive day sans the big bad binge/purge!!
Can you believe that ish?! Cuz I sure as hell cannot! Really though,
go back to when I started this blog, NEVER would've guessed!

Well, not that I don't still think about it. I did today, in fact. I
felt so disgusting and full off my binge and freakin'. And then I had
to take a step back and see that my "binge" was just under 300 cals
and consisted of:

• 1/2 an apple
• 1 raw zuchinni (w/Chinese Hot Sauce-y'know w/ the rooster and
green cap?) (Yum! Right?!)
• 3 raw almonds
• 1 Wasa Cracker (w/mustard & salsa)
• 1 Eggwhite (w/red onion)
• 1 can on tomato sauce (I made it like soup-just added water,
spices and a bit of onion)

(total of like 670 cals for the day or something)
(just on case you were curious)

So you can see why I was disgustingly full (and still am! Which is why
I would classify this as a binge!) but really-NotsoBad. Took a real
short 20 min walk but I felt all Oompa Loompa like. Still do. But I
wanna do one of Bender Ball Dvd's right now.

TheElectrician didn't call but it's nothing, I didn't think he would
anyhow. He deserves somebody whose willing to put more time and effort
into him and that's just not me. And he certainly is old enough and
wise enough to know this a move on to the next one. I'm in a serious
relationship with school; and me and my textbooks are constantly
GETTIN' IT AWN!! Gimme them A's bitch! Wuhpsh!! (That's me cracking
the whip) (don't judge)

FIF. TEE. DAYZE!!!
SQUEE!!!

Sent from my iPhone.

Ay Yo Physics Don't Fail Me Now

It's so frustrating feeling like you're doing things right (or at
least Not Wrong) and yet...nothin.

The scale is not being nice to me.

(Or is it my body? I can almost hear the scale yelling from down the
hall, "HEY! Don't kill the messenger!")

Anyhoodlie, I'm at about 124-126 (it goes back and forth like
everyday. An-Noooyyying!) but here's the the thing. I haven't eaten
more than like 700 calories in like a couple weeks. In fact 4 digits
just don't happen except for like 1 day; there may or may not have
been alcohol involved and even then it's not more than say 1300? The
last day I even went near 1500 was in July. (I have an App for this)

So basically, it's just reedickalus to gain. My weight should Get Low
like Lil John and the Eastside Boys! (member? You member! Song from
like 18 years ago!)

Although it frustrates me there are some things that I try and remind
myself. I've seen this Plateau-ish Bodily Hissy Fit before and I know
if I stick with How I Do (I'm so gangsta) then I my body will give.

Cuz it just can't stay at this weight at my intake. Plus I eat totally
healthy. (with the exception of my gum, coffee and splenda...)

Also, I just kinda realized that I have't had my period in a couple of
months...so errrm, that basically means my body is starving right? Cuz
it's certainly not due to lack of body fat. (Unfortunately)

I'm torn on my feelings about this. I kinda think it's bad cuz y'know
your suppose to have it and it can supposedly screw up the woman parts
or somethin? But that little thought grows weaker by the minute and is
drowned out by the other voice that is like HELL YEA! No period?! Let
me count the ways this is Super Fantastic!

• No period (Let's face it, they just suck. No if, ands, or asses
bout it)
• It means I'm losing weight (need I say more!)

(I'm saying more anyway tho)

• I don't have to buy tampons (save $$)
• Who cares about my baby making parts anyway? (Trust me, this
bloodlines should not be extended yet another generation)

------

I've been feeling a little binge-wanty lately. That's no good. And
it's not gonna happen. (You hear that Body? So just stop.) Could be
'starving'. Could be loneliness. Could be both. Either way, not gonna
happen because then I will purge it. And it will make me go down that
Big Bad Spiral of Porcelain Ickiness and cut into my study time.

Oh yeah. AND fuck up my teeth more. AND make me feel like crap. AND
give me hardcore migraines. AND make me fat. AND prompt me to waste
money on food. AND it's messy. AND make me all Super Duper Uber
depressed.

So no. No to the Binge. No to the Purge.

----

I've been studying like ker-Azy since I started school. So much
reading to do, so little comprehension going down. I love to read but
remembering dates and which dead guy painted what...ummm, no.

And I don't really know how to study or take notes properly. I get by
but I want A's. This time I want to the most I can get out of my
education. So I need to be better, on top of things.

I haven't seen TheElectrician since he came by for 1minute the day
before my birthday to give me flowers because he was gonna be gone for
the weekend. His birthday was Wednesday I text him he replied. All was
fine and then I haven't heard from him.

I was feeling bad, been stressing for like a week because he had this
super sweet idea of going wine taste and getting away for a night
(Santa Barbara? I dunno) but all I can think about is STUDY STUDY
STUDY! What?! That's too much time!

It seems like the last 2 weeks I've been drowning in school work. I
Like only 4-4.5 hours sleep and suffering. Then obligatory birthday
night, bridal shower...I have one mid-term Thursday and another the
following week. The week after that a Wedding...

So yea, totally blew off the whole wine tasting thing. Like from the
get-go I was like Ummm... Well, I want to go but...

And then I haven't really heard from him and I haven't contacted
him...so then earlier I texted him & he replied said he was getting
ready to watch a movie so he'd call me tomorrow... So we'll see what's
going on with that.

I always do this. They show interest and I back off (way off) and then
we just stop talking. Today's text was out of the ordinary for me, I
typically wouldn't. But. I'm trying not be the old me.

Trying to get out of the ole comfy zone.

(Hopefully this post makes some kind of sorted sense-if not...well,
you try doing an entire post from your phone! So there!)

Sent from my iPhone.

Offensive Rant.

TOTAL RANT. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Things have changed dramatically in this blog community.

You all know what I'm talking about because I keep reading the same goddamned posts...sorry.

Sorry for not commenting/replying/posting....the list goes on. I haven't been able to myself but guess what?! Like so many of you, I've started school and I have homework and y'know LIFE to get to. I love blogging. I love the community but you guys don't give me homework and grades...and a DIPLOMA!

Don't get me wrong. I want to read and comment and everything. LOVE. Blogging.

It's just time-consuming.

Time I could be spending studying.
(not that I want to, I just need to)

Just like weight -loss is a goal, so is a good education and good grades.
A social life wouldn't suck either.

I get that your busy. I don't take it personally if you have a life outside of blogging. More power to you. Just STOP APOLOGIZING!! It's your blog-your rules!! Do what you want! Be what you want! I will love you either way and I hope the others in the community feel the same.

I guess, I just feel like you should blog because you want to and have no obligation to. I blog because I like it and when I feel like I need to blog, it's not fun anymore.

I feel privileged to be privy to your blogs-your lives. I comment because I just want to...it started to become a pressure. I would search for something to say in my comments. Well, that's not fun, so I'm not going to. If I really want to say something I will but otherwise, I won't but I'm still reading. Every word of every post I read.

Face it, NONE OF US need anymore added stress/anxiety or what have you so why make blogging one of them?

I love you.
I'll be reading.
(commenting optional.)

Just one of those days...

I need something but I just don't know what. I feel burnt out on life
though this is not a new realization, it's a constant feeling that has
been with me since before I even started this blog. This loneliness
and hunger. Not hunger for food, though I've tried to quiet it with
such, but an unknown hunger. Something is missing in me and I don't
like it.

On the outside things seem to be going fine, it's the struggle within
that hacks at me from within. I ache to know it's origin! TELL ME WHAT
YOU ARE! SO I CAN FIX YOU! FILL YOU! QUIET YOU!

All day today I've felt alone. Hell-I've been alone. I'm losing my
distractions...school, blogs, homework, twitter...nothing is keeping
me today. I don't want to do anything but I don't want to do nothing,
I need to do something but what? I'm so confused. I'm so unsettled.

A half hour before I can start heading to class. What to do? What to
do? Eat. That's what my mind is telling me. Eat-there's an apple in
the car. But the apple doesn't sound good. Nothing seems to sound good
today.

Though there's nothing particular bad about today. Today is just not a
good day. It's just not.

There is a silver lining to this cloud-it's yesterday and it's tomorrow.

Twit

I just signed up on Twitter. I need friends! Who's on this thing?!

FlushedAgain@gmail.com

Sent from my iPhone.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I think I may be getting sick. My throat has been weird for the past
week and I'm beyond tired. I'm not as on top of things that I'd like
to be.

My room needs cleaning which is affecting my want to work out (cuz
there's no room for my fatass). The kitchen is a wreck which is
affecting my ability to study (messes distract me) and the way I eat.
I like a clean kitchen, not dishes in the sink. Not random stuff
strewn about the counters. My mom is so messy, it's driving me crazy.

I'm exhausted.

I haven't been commenting on anybody's blog.

Bingeing and purgeing is sounding more and more enticing. I was
considering it last night. It just sounded like it would be so good.
Stuffed and then empty. So good. So bad.

But I'm so afraid of gaining weight. I feel wretched for eating so
much and so late this past week. I feel wretched for eating close to
800 calories.

I'm so tired I just want to sleep, Sleep, SLEEP!

Sent from my iPhone.

One day...One Day I'll Be Living The Good Life

So right, we all know that I'm a bit social  awkward, right?

(whatevs you do now.)

And  that I have like basically no friends right?

(now you do.)

I could go on and on in a negative fashion but...whatever, let's just focus on the positive and hope that more will follow, yes?

After Thursday, I felt like I could breathe again. This week at school was quite stressful and difficult for me. I've tried to be constructive of my learnings this week and learn from them as oppose to mope about them (not that I didn't for the time being...) I gathered that:

• I need to improve my note taking
• Retain more specific detail as oppose to overall gysts
• I'm predominately a visual and emotional learner and I need to apply extra effort into utilizing that into my studies.
• Manage my time more constructively
• Get more sleep
• Predominately fruit & caffeine is not the best idea if random kaliedoscope spots in your vision are not you thing
• I can't concentrate  in a messy space (but I'm too lazy/stubborn to clean it if it's not my mess)

Clearly, there is much I need to work on in terms of being "A Master Student" which is the title of one of my textbooks. And honestly, it's actually one that is easy and enjoyable to read. I really do want to be one! It's a step to being a Successful person in Life and hello, being a student is basically just learning and life is...well, basically about learning-so there you go. It all comes full circle.

(Check that Wiser 24 year old of me coming out!)

Damn, my posts are long-winded! I talk much the same so be glad you are only in contact with me in blog where you can just skim or only read the first paragraph or two-cuz just think I actually bore people in real life with Me. Get some drinks (translation: false confidence aka liquor) and BAM! I'm all Fired Up and ready to go! That's right, the monstrousity that is me, it happens in real life too. A click can't turn me off.

....oh-your still here?!! EXCELLENT!!

(It's cuz there's pictures, right?)

So yeah, my birthday was alright. I mean, I know some people love me and some of them aren't even blood related-so they don't have to, so it's super cool that they membered (I'm Mexican) ("white-washed" californian Mexican is still Mexican. So what if I say, "Bwen-nose Dee-yas"when  it's night time-"Buenos Dias" is better!!).

After getting lost in nothing all day, I went to Happy Hour with the Fam Bam, two Martini's: Mango Citrus and a Lemon Drop Martini and preceeded to lose softball through giggles and smiles and "Oh-Lay!"'s as the ball passed me by (I would have made an Excellent Matador).

I resisted:

• Fresh Baked Focaccia Bread (and the scrumptiousness that is the olive oil/vinegar + Deliciousness spead that goes with)
• Margherita Pizza

Okay, so what it's a short list. It's loaded. Any idea how many times I told myself just one slice wouldn't be so bad? It's my birthday? Just one?

I resisted. I saw the heat rising off the bread. NOPE. Not a bite because I knew. I KNEW that one would leave to another and another.

I can't do another again.

another again...

How many times have I shook my head in shame over another again? Too many. I've come too far to turn back into that spiral downward. I've thought about it but it's scares me. I even stuck my toothbrush down my throat a little the other morning on impulse because I missed the feeling. The thought, the impulse - it scared me, I don't want Mia anymore.

Bulimia will harm me.

Make me gain.

Make me depressed.

Make me weak.

Interfere with school.

Interfere with my goal.

Interfere with my well being.

I am strong now.
(I try to convince myself.)

I went to my high school friends apartment tonight and ended up chatting it up with a girl that graduated a year after me from the same school though me nor my friend knew her in school (we weren't all that outgoing). I chatted with her boyfriend, my friends cousin...okay, I'm totally Chatty Patty when I'm drinking. I can't help it. People intrigue me. They are so interesting. Everybody-EVERYBODY has this amazing story and dream and you just got to find it and you will immediately just want to know every little bit about them.

My first day in my Guidance class and my teacher had people volunteer to us a little about themselves (after we were all able to ask her ANYTHING about her that we desired) and some people had us holding back tears. I fell in love with every person that told us their story. I remember thinking in that class, "Wow, how did I get so blessed to be in this classroom with this Amazingly Outstanding teacher and all these AMAZING persons with these Extraordinary  Stories, these Extraordinary Dreams? How blessed I am, the Universe is smiling upon me-it believes in me."

Okay, yeah, I'm a cornball but whatever.

Today reminded me again of how blessed I am. I am surrounded by the most ExtraOrdinary people and have super opportunities.

Also, my Sis passed out the announcements for my Beautiful Baby Niece and everybody has OODLES of compliments that I "have a real talent," "I should go into business" and all that and it feels great. Creativity is so intimate and the fact that people are loving what I designs (allegedly) makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

(or it could be the Martinis...)

(or Mimosas...)

Pounds Down

Sorry for the nakit post yesterday...so embarrassing but I refuse to delete anything that I post. And I was really pleased and a bit surprised at the responses. Snapped me outta of "it" and made me feel better :)

Awww...you ladies are the bestest!

(Actually, trying to find posts to link you up to speed I found more embarrassing stuff. I'm all, "Damn Flushed! You're all balls out on this blog!")

(And then I was like, "AwFuk. That's me. -Wait-that's me talking in the third person of my internet alias. AwwwFuuuuuk.)

So today: 123.5 el bees! Woot, woot!

Except I haven't been exercising because I've been drowning in my school work...errr....not that I've been blogging or anything...

What. ev-AH! So long as the pounds are going down. I will exercise soon enough. Priorities and such. Also, most of you probably don't remember but my short term Iwon'tbecompletelyapeshitifIatleast goal was to fit into my clothes again. Comfortable. Non-squeezy-like. Well, I'm there.

Woot! Woot!
(Can I get an "Encore"? Do you want more...")
(That was Jay-Z poppin' into my head. Easy sung than typed.)

Woot! Woot!
(Just in case you missed that last one. Or two.)

---

Okay, so my birthday is on Friday and I've already told my mom and whoever that I have a softball game that I am playing in (yes. On my birthday. I PAY for this shit!). My mom knows that I'm not one for going to dinner, she understands.

(go Moms! Woot! Woot!)

(I bet you're all like, "Flushed, you lucky bastard! My parents/family/friends are always pressing me to eat!")

She asked me last night again what we could do ("we don't have to do dinner, but we want to do something for your birthday...") After a little back and forth we decided a quick happy hour at The Citrus Grille (It's Mar-Tini Time!) and my game is at 7:45 so I'll be out of there early enough and leave them free for dinner (hopefully they don't decide to be my Fan Club. I'm horrible [@ softball]. It's embarrassing). So that is the plan on Friday!

I'm actually really happy that my mom was totally for The Plan. My mom and I are the most weight conscious in our family (like EDish weight conscious) (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?) (drop the "ish" when it comes to me tho!) but everybody in my family wants to lose weight and be "healthier" so that's why I don't get pressed. They just think of me a strong willed health nut, not ana or anything.

Hopefully this perspective doesn't change when I drop another 10, maybe 15 lbs...5 they'll think I'm perfect but they might start scrutinizing after that but probably not actual worry. I'm short so I'll just be like "actress thin" which is the goal.

Teeter-Tottering is only Fun when you're a Kid

The scale is teetering between 124.5 and 126. So annoying.

The weekend was unproductive. Long "holiday" weekend (I'm mean I'll take it! But "Labor Day"? What the hell kind of psuedo holiday is that? God Bless America and our days off for the purpose of days off.)

I got very little homework done.

I have to do a 3-5 page essay for sociology but oh wait, here's the kicker, I have to do a social experiment where I break a social norm and y'know essay about it. In theory it's fun but I'm so freakin shy! Is there some kind of Judgedaphobia? Cuz I have it. I hate being judged, being a wallflower is just way too natural for me, my security blanket. But really I'd rather being a painting, y'know absolutely stunning and admired. Perhaps once I'm skinny (You hear that universe?! WHEN I AM SKINNY! Bring it to me baby!) this Judgedaphobia will cease to exist for me? Not likely. I'm living in a dream world.

Also, I have to write a biography which is like the hardest thing ever to me. What the hell am I gonna write about? Hello, I'm boring?! I wrote about Lupus (thus far, it's due tomorrow) but it's just so...I don't know, I guess I just don't like writing about myself NON-anonymously (obvy I'm a totally narcissist-I do have a blog!). 

So yeah. Hard. Unproductive. Sux.

I need to exercise.

I need to get my head out of my...head(?) and start getting shit done! Homework. Do it!

Being shy sucks.

Just sayin'.

What the hell is wrong with me that I can't make friends? Am I like smelly or something and people don't want to talk to me? Am I just too ugly and fat? Is it that obvious that I'm a little...err...weird? Am I that weird?

Perhaps that is why this whole Biography thing is so hard, I can't see myself. I don't really see the positive aspect of me. I feel like I always say the wrong thing. I'm boring. I'm not worth people's time. I just don't fit in. I'm on the line. I'm the in between. The outcasts don't want me. The cool kids don't want me. I'm just there.

Maybe? I dunno.

I look in the mirror sometimes and think I am really pretty. Sometimes when I'm with my friends I feel like I'm a pretty cool girl. Sometimes when I think that I'm pretty smart. Pretty funny (in a sarcastic way, of course). Sometimes I feel like I'm a totally likable girl but then...I feel like nobody truly likes me. Or am I just inadvertently pushing people away? Do they look in my eyes and see an eery vacancy that scares them off?

Hate this.

My birthday is on Friday and I hate it. It's a day to remind me how pathetic I am. No friends. Not particularly successful (y'know like the movies where they devote all their time to school/work and have no social life?). Not skinny. Not beautiful (only to TheElectrician which makes me curious about his eyesight and question his overall sanity for wanting to hangout with me).

Life sucks but for some reason I just keep wanting to live it, I've always had this weird feeling that it will get better. It will one day be wonderful beyond anything I ever imagined. 

-Whoa! Okay, that does it I'm officially insane.

Snap Out of it Flushed!

After Friday and Saturday...and today (it's only 1) I feel all failure-ish.

Gluttony got ahold uh-me!

Friday: OVERstuffed myself on Asparagus (grilled w/olive oil), Zuchini & Mushrooms (marinated in some dressing and grilled) and Green Beans. AND I had a couple Wasa Crackers.

Saturday: I had a Strawberry Martini (sooo good! Must try! Must.)-which I suppose is not The Horriblest Thing (Cheesecake Factory-fresh mashed strawberries & vodka) BUT THEN TheElectrician ordered me an Asian Pear Martini (he was being sweet cuz I was made a comment about it sounding good) but then it came and there some tropical juice (we all know how BadNewsBears juice is) and all kinds of sweetness in it. Too sweet. I only drank half because it was so so sweet (and strong! Hello Sake!!) (couldn't even taste the pear in it. Boo!).

I did resist:

• white rice
• toasty indian flatbread (naan)

And at Cheesecake Factory:

• I didn't touch the bread basket
• ordered a Veggie Salad- sans: dressing/cheese/chicken (only ate 1/2)

(no wonder 1 1/2 martini's gets me tipsy!)

I know the veggies are like "healthy" because Olive Oil is "healthy" but it kills me not now how many calories. Not. Safe. Not safe at all. Also, why don't they have the calorie count for DRINKS?!

COME! ON! PEE-POLE! GET WITH THE SKINNY PROGRAM!!

Don't you know that alcohol is a calor-tastrophy?!

That it builds unhealthy yuckiness fatty fatness around your ORGANS!?

(or something, that's the rumor I'm starting.)

(Don't quote me on that.)

NEW LAW!! NEW LAW!!

And then there's today. Why can't I stop eating and thinking about food?! Why can't I get some motivation to exercise?! Why am I not studying right now?! Why do I feel like a fatso?!

Must. Break. Free. Of. Glut. Ny.

I did go for a little 20 minute walk (to the mail box). It's too effin' hot to go longer at this hour and I needed something to distract me from all the food I want to eat. It did help as far as food goes.

But still.

-•-•- Must. Break. Free. Of. Glut. Ny. -•-•-

• It's just one of those days I suppose.

• • • I can't let it get the best of me.

• • A bump in the road.

I can't let it break this Momentum I've built up.

• This is a test.

• • • A test of Ana.

• • A test I must pass.

• • • • A test I WILL pass.

Must. Break. Free. Of. Glut. Ny.

Ana's School

The school I go to is built on hill-scratch that- it is built on the
side of a mountain. And the buildings are spread way apart. There is
*at least* a football field between each destination. At least. Did I
mention that the school is on a mountain? Just checking. All the more
reason for me to lose more and more way and get fit cuz goddamn I do a
lot of walking!

3 out of 4 days of being here I have one class in the am and a 3-4
hour break until my other class. I keep food in my car so each trip
back is a journey. I only carry the books that I'm about to use
immediately thus book changes are a journey. I *need* coffee! Each
trip to the cafeteria is a journey.

I'm thinking I picked the perfect school for Ana. Lots of exercise.
Eating is an annoying thought. Studying is encouraged (air
conditioning!) And lots of thinspo (ah to be a stickly 18!)

You wanna know what drives me insane? (it doesn't matter, I'm telling
anyway) Is seeing chicks wearing heels! Heels. HEELS! These women need
to let me in on their secret. Do they not have feeling in their feet?
Legs? Is this some kind of phenomenon? Is there a pill for this?

Heels. Football fields on mountains. And heels.
Can. Not. Fathom.

At this rate of (forced) exercise and lack of appetite I better drop
like 6-7 pounds (118 lbs?) in September. And be smart as hell. On the
Honor roll or something.

Sent from my iPhone.

A Spark of Emotion ~ All Pensive-like

"My body doesn’t feel hunger or fullness anymore. It doesn’t feel anything. It’s all numb inside." ~Ophelia @ A Head Full Of Beauty

This is the feeling of a bulimic. This is what it's like to binge/purge.

To me anyway.

I'm still going on sans b/p and you know what? I'm emotional as hell! I'm discovering that I am uber sensitive person and I feel everything! When I am paying attention, I am feeling. I'm not just listening or watching-I am going through emotions. When you are hurt, happy, content...my body, mind, spirit are mimicking that emotion and all of me is there with you. And then there are my emotions there too, my reaction.

And you know what?

It's exhausting.

And you know what else?

When it rains it pours. And I don't want to feel anything.

I crave numbness.

"My body doesn’t feel hunger or fullness anymore. It doesn’t feel anything. It’s all numb inside." ~Ophelia @ A Head Full of Beauty

When I binge it's like this eery haze that infiltrates my brain, rendering it useless-numb. The haze will fade once the food supply does. Now, replaced with realization and overwhelming panic we move onto to Step 2: Purge.

Purging is not like a haze. It's control. It's determination. It's power? I tell you what to do, Body! I say jump (...well, you get it). Purging for me is entering a different state of mind that I must delve into. I must take control and drown my thoughts, my senses, my body-convincing, brainwashing it that this is it's only option.

When it's over there is nothing of me, only the real numbness that I craved when overwhelming emotion plagued me.

It's been a while since I b/p'd (What? I'm allowed to keep bringing it up-I'm PROUD of myself!!) but I do still crave that empty numb nothingness, but I also fear it. It's a packaged deal, there are consequences and a life (and body) that go along with it and it scares me more than it tempts me to return to it.

Am I just on a lucky streak?

Making a life change?

I dunno.

As a result of being a bag of emotions (emotions on steroids) I'm not one of those people who can be around people all of the time. I need my alone time. Time to sort my thoughts. Time to relax. Time for quiet. Otherwise, it's just too much. I hope that I can learn to control what I feel and/or learn to handle my emotions properly. I really don't want to be the Lonely Crazy Cat Lady on the Corner who wears snorkeling gear when it rains.

Because I don't really like cats that much.

Note: 1 and a half ciggs were all I smoked the other day...haven't had nor truly wanted one since :) It's a stress/emotional thing. I meant that it's better than Mia because I know that it's not a "Black Hole" trying to swallow me whole the way Mia is to me.

going & g o n e

My mind is like both mush and LA rush hour traffic.

I feel like I have so much to blog about, I go about my day(s) mentally constructing my post only for it to either be forgotten or just burried underneath a pile of studying and trying to not be the worst person at communication ever. I've been learning so much at school that I can relate to my daily life it's unreal and I can't wait to blog about it but then...life happens.

Finally. Finally, I'm at my laptop ready to blog and my mind is mush. I cannot think of a single word to write.

My mind is going, going of things that I need to do. That I'd like to do. That I should do. That I'm forgetting to do. What time is it? When is my next class? Do I have my homework done for that class? Should I eat now or try and hold out until the end of class? Will I be to hungry and distracted with my hunger by then? What do I have to eat? Should I call TheElectrician now or after class? Texting be better? No, he called and left a message yesterday, I owe a phone call. Do I have food at home? Should I stop at the store before I go home? I need to check the sales first. What do I have to bring for lunch? What classes are tomorrow? Is the homework done? Should I do it tonight or tomorrow and see TheElectrician? Do I have time to do it between classes tomorrow? No. Maybe just quick coffee with TheElectrician...

It's an endless, relentless stream of thoughts and I'm not thinking beyond Thursday.

Last night when I got home I was exhausted. Do you know how wonderful it is to lay in the tub with the shower pouring over you and think of...n o t h i n g ? It's what dreams are made of. I didn't do homework. Just went to bed. C l e a n. I put everything aside until my alarm goes off in the morning.

Just a Bump in the Road

Yesterday was otherwise a pretty good day. Busy and productive. My Sis
and I ordered the announcements for the Baby which I designed and she
loved which made me feel Wonderful!

After the lil fiasco with my mom I caved a bit. I had gone for soooo
long but last night I smoked. And it was dulishus. I don't know what
it is about cigarettes that I crave and it so good to me when I'm
stressed.

That's what I used to run to before Mia. I'm thinking that's the safer
route. I went to my cousins, the one I used to be bff close with and
had a good cry on her shoulder, vented, smoked and talked. I felt
better leaving there. Not only better about the petty (and
unnecessarily emotional) scenario with my mom but getting closer with
my cousin again. I know she wants things to be the way they used to be
with us.

Thank you for your comments, you are all so WONDERFUL! I don't even
have words to describe!

Sent from my iPhone.